Institute for Marriage & Relationship
Preservation & Enhancement

Top 10 Signs of Infidelity
by Anne Bercht

So you feel suspicious that your spouse may be having an extramarital affair, and now you find yourself wondering 'what are the signs of infidelity?' Statistically more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many more than that have to deal with the devastation and after math of marital infidelity.

We surveyed a group of people who had been cheated on asking them to share what were the signs of infidelity in their relationships. In this article we share the results of that survey combined with other research. 70% of those surveyed professed a high level of morality in their belief systems, and a high level of marital fulfillment and satisfaction. Affairs are not solely a problem of an unfortunate few with 'bad' marriages. Extramarital affairs happen to good people in good marriages too. Would you be able to recognize the signs of infidelity in your own marriage?

Below is a synopsis of the signs of infidelity. It is important to keep two very important facts in mind when reading this:

Fact #1 – YOUR PARTNER COULD BE EXHIBITING ALL OF THE SIGNS OF INFIDELITY AND STILL NOT BE HAVING AN AFFAIR. There is no secret formula to know for sure that a person is cheating. The behaviors below could be taking place for other reasons than an affair. Whatever the case, the signs of infidelity below are not good things. If they are present in your relationships it’s time to pay attention to your marriage, get some help and make some improvements.

Fact #2 – YOUR PARTNER COULD BE EXHIBITING NONE OF THE SIGNS BELOW AND STILL BE ENGAGED IN AN AFFAIR.

Shirley Glass in her book “Not Just Friends” (which is based on 30 years of research and work with couples in affair-recovery) states:

“Assumption: A cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

“Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.”

In my own situation, I had no idea my husband was having an affair. Our sex life was frequent and exciting, we were intimate and close, we enjoyed each others company, spent lots of time together, were best friends, and both of us would describe our marriage as very good at the time of the affair. A cheating spouse will not always leave signs behind them.

SIGNS OF INFIDELITY

1. Number one on the signs of infidelity list is when a spouse becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman told us, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs." Another explained, "His attitude towards me changed gradually, from being an average attentive husband to nearly ignoring me completely towards the end." One man reported, "She showed no interest in improving our marriage. When I tried to show her affection she would not let me, especially not in public. Since the other man traveled in our circle of friends, I later realized she did not want the other man to see her being warm towards me."

2. The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience. One woman reported, "At the worst point he was more than disrespectful. He was just plain rude, impatient, angry and aggressive. He was constantly picking fights and refused to help out in the home or with our children. Others reported; "She always seemed somewhat angry at me, like I was to blame for something that was happening." "He showed a low tolerance for our children's behavior. He would snap and snarl at everyone!" "He kept picking apart things I did, like the kind of books I read and the food I prepared." Is your spouse often complaining of trivial things? Do you sense unhappiness in your spouse, but you can't explain it or understand it? (And do they refuse to acknowledge it or talk about it when asked?) Do you feel like you can't do anything right? Do you feel like you keep giving and they keep taking yet they are still unhappy? Yes's to these questions are among the signs of infidelity.

3. Third on the list of the signs of infidelity is the issue of control voiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "She insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude. Dr. James Dobson in his book 'Love Must be Tough', reports that often preceding a spouses affair is a feeling of being 'trapped' in the relationship. Does your spouse complain about being controlled or that they are being watched, even if you ask very little of what they are doing? Or do you feel pressured to do such and such? If you find that 'control' is an ongoing issue in your discussions with your mate your relationship could be at risk.

4. Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.

5. The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of our survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful. This is often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack. Reality in life is often not a pretty picture. Perhaps our society, which promotes a 'Me first - if it feels good do it' philosophy, contributes to this being among the signs of infidelity. Instead of biting the bullet and remaining faithful, many find themselves tempted during these difficult times by a 3rd party who is more than willing to meet their needs while the faithful spouse has been sideswiped by life.